We must rest in the assurance that in everything from writing novels to picking up toys, helping with homework, changing nappies, and doing battle with teenage wills, we’re nothing short of superheroes.
Hey Mums,
First up, I’m Australian. I say, and I write “Mum.” Yes, I formally publish with US English, but in this post, if you read “Mum” where you’d be used to reading “Mom,” you’ll have to excuse me.
So. An introduction (beyond my spelling preferences).
I’m a writer, and I’m a mum of two. I’m also a wife and lots of
My first small person is nine. I was a writer before she was around, but it’s only since she was about a year old that I wanted writing to be The Only Job for me. That’s what I set out to do, that’s what I’m doing now, and that’s what I intend to do for the rest of time. This is a long haul trek.
My second small person is four. He’s relatively chill, but still a four year old boy.
Whatever temperament your kids have, raising them is HARD. Trying to forge a writing career while raising kids is HARD. But it’s also amazing and I wouldn’t have life any other way.
I’ve written this piece as a glimmer of light for all other mothers trying to raise kids and a writing career at the same time. For some, it will be new information. For others, a reminder of what you knew all along.
Here’s how I’ve made it work so far.
Remember, No One Cares About Your Writing Life
Gasp! What? That sounds a bit harsh, doesn’t it? It couldn’t be true!
Let me clarify.
First up, kids.
Young kids don’t care about anything that they’re not the center of. It’s just the way kids are. We all know it. Sure, they love you and all, but all they are really interested in is basking in that love, food, toys, and TV (tablets, etc), and climbing stuff and running super fast. They also care about making sure you’ve seen just how super fast they can run. Over and over again.
If you have kids old enough to understand what it is you do, they might like the fact Mum’s a writer, They might even respect it and provide an excellent source of moral support. But they don’t really care about your creative urges, they don’t care what you do to make a living. They just won’t understand that stuff until they’re much older.
But kids do understand if you’re happy and satisfied in life or not, and that’ll have an impact on the whole family. Even tiny kids, on some level, understand the importance of a mother being in a good place. But as far as understanding what it takes for a writer to reach that satisfaction, it’s unlikely any aged kid will get it.
That’s okay. You don’t need them to understand your creative necessities. Only you have to understand them, and what it is you need to satisfy your life. That’s the stuff that will make you a good mum, not how clean your house is, or how nutritionally balanced those eleven thousand snacks you prepare every day are. Sure, those things matter, but you’ve gotta feed your soul, keep it robust and healthy, so it doesn’t get sucked out by constantly feeding those small people.
And what about your partner, spouse, significant other?
Your spouse, if you have one, might be supportive. He or she or they or otherwise might be happy to take the bulk of the financial responsibility while you’re tending to the small people. Your partner might even be supportive of you forging out a writing career while you’re doing that. They might be happy to take the kids for a bit while you get some writing done, and a million other ways they might be supportive.
It’s likely your partner cares if you’re happy, healthy, and satisfied, and also cares that the family life is running along as best as you can all manage together. It’s likely your partner wants you to succeed.
But, at the end of the day, your partner doesn’t truly care that you didn’t meet your word count goal that week. They don’t really care that your books get published, or even finished. They just cares about you being well, whatever that takes.
Your friends don’t care in much the same way as your partner.
There could be sympathy for the unique demands of being a Writer Mum, even empathy if you’re lucky enough to know other Writing Mums.
Your friends want you to be happy, and they’ll understand that writing gets you there.
Still…
Whoever is in your life, the core truth is you are the only one who genuinely cares about the specific details of your writing and your writer’s life.
That means you’re the only one who will make sure those goals are getting met, those books are getting finished, those books are getting published.
You make it happen. Yes, just like you make those dinners and clean socks happen all the freakin’ time. You’ll make your words happen. You’re the only one who CAN make it happen.
The House Will Not Fall Down If It’s Untidy
I crave order. If my house gets cluttered and untidy, my head gets cluttered and untidy.
I’m a work first and then play kind of girl.
This means I clean and tidy a lot. My house isn’t pristine, but it is mostly
I’ve given up picking up after everyone every day. As long as it’s not insane, I let the untidiness go a while.
It’s not a flawless system. Sometimes, the place is hell level chaotic and stays that way longer than I like. As long as there’s relatively nutritious food, beds, clean bodies, and clean clothes, that’s all that matters on some days.
Write first. Clean later.
Embrace Screen Time
Screen time for kids is a valuable tool. Use it wisely.
In my house, screen time is writing time.
My kids have a daily screen time cap and regular screen free days. I try to curate their shows and games, making sure they’re age appropriate and preferably educational in some way.
If we need it, sometimes that cap gets exceeded, sometimes the TV goes on at the end of a tired TV Free Day. This rule ebbs and flows like the rest of life.
I just figure, what’s better? A happily occupied kid with an hour extra TV time? Or a frantic, stressed, screaming mother (and child)?
If you’re the kind of mother who even thinks about screen time limits and wants their children to live, play and learn in a balanced, fertile, nurturing, challenging, environment, then you’re probably already pretty savvy when it comes to how much and what they’re watching.
Relax. Just put the TV on!
And while that TV is on, write. Or take time to tend to your physical and mental health.
Your Health Before Your Writing
Looking after your physical health has three main facets – moving your body, fueling your body, and resting your body.
This means, exercise, nutrition, and sleep. And all working mums have the time and energy to focus on these, right?! Yeah, what a joke.
Well, there comes a point where we don’t really get a choice.
Looking after your physical health goes hand in hand with looking after your mental health.
I learned all of this the hard way.
The year I discovered just how much I could write if I got up at
Of course, it didn’t happen right away. And I didn’t even think I was at any kind of risk. I exercise religiously, I’m obsessed with nutrition, and I slept well on most nights. Sure, I was always tired, but that’s Mum Life, right? I thought I was a healthy person.
And then I wasn’t a healthy person.
Day after day of pre-dawn starts, huge mental efforts, Mumming, going to the gym, and all the other stress I had in my life took its toll. Back then my husband was working FIFO which meant I was a solo parent 70% of the time, living on a
At first, I thought it was just because little kids are gross disease factories and it was all part of the job. But I was getting sick when no one else was. All the time. For months and months.
I also started getting depressed and having panic attacks. My body, my mind, my soul was shot to pieces. But oh wow, I was writing A LOT of words!
After a few visits with my doctor, I understood what was happening.
I stopped the pre-dawn starts and just wrote when I could. This sparked a whole new season of depressive episodes, as I didn’t feel like a “real writer” if I wasn’t writing 2000 words every day.
After a few months of sticking to a lighter schedule, being kinder to myself and learning how to rest, the anxiety was under control, and I started making good progress with my writing without burning out.
These days I still get up early to write, though I don’t do it every day and I listen to my body and rest when I feel it’s needed – not when I think it’s needed. I also don’t use an alarm clock. There’s a big difference.
We’re working mums. We have an intimate relationship with fatigue. But there’s tired, and there’s downright exhausted. Learn to recognize the difference, and REST when you need to.
Get someone else to take the kids for a few hours, or put the kids in front of the TV and go for a nap. Even if you just lay there for half an hour fretting about how much you’re not doing, you’ll still find a benefit.
When we’re replenished, our writing will be waiting for us and love us all the more for taking the time to come to the page with a fresh mind and rejuvenated soul.
Even with these rest practices in place, and knowing how to take care of myself, I still get caught in cycles of depletion. I haven’t hit burnout again, but I certainly have come close when I forget what I know and have to re-learn it all.
Publishing A Book A Month is Not Normal
Sometimes, I hear writers interviewed who are pushing out a book a month or more, and I long for that lifestyle.
I’ll then start to think…. I know I can write novels in a month. I’ve done it before, that’s what I should be doing all the time! And sometimes I’ll hate myself for not doing it.
And then I’ll hear that uber-prolific writer doesn’t have kids, or has older kids in school, or kids in daycare every day, or doesn’t sleep, or has something else that’s completely different to what I have.
Some Writer Mums pull off a book a month, and more. These are the outliers. There are more Writing Mums who don’t write a novel a month. Not even close. They’re still successful.
It Will Get Easier.
For the Writing Mums of tiny people….
Remember when you had your first newborn and everyone assured you that things would get easier? And your exhausted soul just couldn’t believe it could ever be true?
It’s the same with writing when your life is still being dictated by tiny, well, dictators.
And then they start school. And then they start having sleepovers, and
Teach them how to catch those dreams and hold them tight against all odds.
Live Your Own Motherhood.
Everyone is always telling writers “write for yourself” and “tell the stories you want to tell” and advice to the similar. It’s good advice.
The same goes for living your writer’s life. For Writer Mums, that covers not only writing but also raising your kids and running your family the way you feel is best for all of you.
Tell me one thing about raising kids, and I’ll find you an article or a book with someone telling you to do the opposite, and why what you’re doing is terrible. I’ll also show you another article that agrees with what you’re doing 100%.
Just like writing advice, when it comes to parenting and family advice, we can take it all in, absorb what works for us and discard what doesn’t.
Just as we learn to embrace the kind of writer that we are, and stand proudly behind our stories, we must do the same for the type of mothers that we are, standing proudly alongside our families.
We must rest in the assurance that in everything from writing novels to picking up toys, helping with homework, changing nappies, and doing battle with teenage wills, we’re nothing short of superheroes.
Like all the best superheroes, we each have our own unique skills we use to save the world, time and time again.
We also have our kryptonite, and we must protect ourselves from that threat, especially when it’s self-imposed.
Trust your skills. They’re what’s going to get the job–all the jobs!–done. That’s what’s going to get your books written.
A system will present itself as we live and work and see what works and what doesn’t, and adapt to what’s needed as necessary. All the while, we get whatever words out however we can, whenever we can.
This is the way all successful Writer Mums do it.
Please remember, that for me and every other mum around, some days (lots of days!) the system doesn’t work. That’s cool, that’s normal. It’s the days when it does work that make you feel like you can conquer the world. Keep focussing on those days…..
Write well, Writer Mums. Forge your own system and get your words done.
May the force and all the chocolate, coffee, (insert indulgence of choice) be with you. And
Yours in writing mothership solidarity,
Kate.
